the big red clue phone

Do you think I could arrange to have a letter mailed to me every four weeks, to arrive on Monday? (I could set a reminder in Outlook, at work, but a real letter would be more effective.) I would want the letter to say:

Dear Self:

Either tomorrow or the next day, you will begin your monthly period. You should be aware of this because you started taking green pills on Sunday.

Please note!

1. You may experience one or both of the following: insomnia, need for lots of sleep, dull stupor during waking hours.
2. You will get a nasty headache, and possibly your neck will tense up.
3. You will crave chocolate, and you should not give in to this craving.
4. You will be whiny and stupid.
5. The day your period starts, pack an extra tampon, an extra panty-liner, and two Extra-Strength Tylenol gel caplets in your jeans pockets.

Don't worry, because your husband will probably be very sympathetic, rub your neck, and may even make you corn chowder for dinner. But heed these warnings!!! And do not wonder what the hell is wrong with you when this happens. It happens every month. There is no mystery.

Fondly,
Self