whither dj jazzy schwartz?

Oh. My. God. The season premiere of the O.C. was lastnight. And folks? It was pretty effin' disappointing. It was like the show was attacked in the off-season by a vampire that sucked all humor and intelligence right out of it. I think Josh Schwartz is still writing it, so what gives? I fear he may have gone to town on a bottle of Quaaludes and watched 8 seasons of "Murder She Wrote" back to back before penning this episode, because that is the brand of yuks and witty repartee to which I, the innocent viewer, was subjected. Let's hope Joshy had a long nap and a cold shower before he wrote the rest of the season. The situation is dire.

I was cringing from beginning to end, from the wavy, distorted, hyperdramatic color-changey intro in the ER where Ryan Atwood passed out-- what was up with that? Not sexy!--to the peak of cringiness--the conversation Kirsten and Sandy had outside the palatial rehab clinic about the "bachelors" microwaving peanut butter. Yowch.

I mean, everything has gone wrong: shitty dialogue, wooden performances--I didn't even like the MUSIC, which has always been this show's forte. Whoever decides how it's going to be SHOT (the cinematographer?) and the editors--even they suck all of a sudden. (Four kids on rock CLOSEUP ON SUMMER FROM A RADICALLY DIFFERENT ANGLE same shot of ensemble on rock POINTLESS CLOSEUP WITH DIALOG OFF-CAMERA, or my other favorite--LET'S SPEND THIRTY WHOLE SECONDS PANNING ON RYAN AND MARISSA GETTING INTO THE LAND ROVER.) My favorite part of the episode was the still-horrible, forced-cheese montage of the kids frolicking on the beach--because there was no speaking! At the end of this montage as the kids are sitting around the campfire, Ryan Atwood/Benjamin McKenzie did (I think?) a frightening, nasal impression of Summer. It was really, really strange, not to mention out of character. The four young leads didn't have to act awkward or say over and over again how awkward and lame everything was--the show just WAS awkward and lame, from Marissa's Dad (Tate Donovan) clucking and rolling his eyes as his ex-wife (who now he wants to get back together with?!) pluckily, mischievously PLOTS TO SEND A YOUNG MAN TO JAIL to Marissa taking thirty seconds out of her day to whine a confession out of Trey--that was hard--and um, Marissa, you're SURPRISED your mom would do this? She's tried to put Ryan in jail before, and she spent the better part of a season BONKING YOUR BOYFRIEND!! She's an evil bitch, yo!

Yes, Ryan Atwood's hair is better, but he's looking a bit like Richy Rich or a Ken doll--the hair never moves and it's sort of 1950's. I'm not complaining! Don't bring back the bowl-cut fro, PLEASE!! I'm not even going to talk about Jeri Ryan--that ex-Borg ho who's hanging around doorways staring at Kirsten, giving Sandy the stink-eye when he visits at the rehab clinic--hmm, I WONDER if she has a HIDDEN AGENDA that she's going to WREAK UPON THE COHENS?!!?? Oh wait, I did just talk about her.

I think the basic problem is the subject matter-- too serious. There was violence in the first two seasons--usually fisticuffs. Fisticuffs are exciting, without being that serious. There are sexy bruises (I'm sorry, Benjamin McKenzie looks sexy with cuts and bruises on his face--you all are thinking it, I'm just saying it! Just kidding. I know I'm the only thinking it.) It was a teen drama with wry, self-effacing, sometimes self-parodic humor. But there's a limit to the type of subject matter that can be suspended within that framework. People getting shot is too heavy for the gossamer strings of irony and sarcasm--it's all come crashing down. This was perfectly illustrated in the scene where we (once again--just like the beginning of season 2! I should have stopped expecting even a whiff of originality when it was revealed that a character was in a COMA) find Summer and Marissa baking by the pool. Marissa reminds Summer "I _shot_ somebody." (ergo, the fan balloon hath been popped--tell it, sister!) She gives this line all the pathos you'd expect were she lamenting a missed Saks sample sale. (Do they have sample sales? I've never been to a sample sale.) And you can't blame this all on Mischa Barton's shaky acting skills--she's on "the O.C." for gosh sakes, not "Law & Order" or "The Thorn Birds!" She didn't sign up for this kind of gravitas. The show can't do serious--it's trying and its pants just fall down and trip it.

Speaking of which, I know this is nitpicky, but the whole premise of the show--that the prosecutor was trying to pin the shooting on Ryan--I'm sorry, it's absurd. If you've ever seen any of the following: "Law & Order," "NYPD Blue," "Murder She Wrote," (hello!) or "Perry Mason," you may have picked up on the fact that when a gun is discharged, it emits a gunpowder residue that is only deposited on the person holding the weapon when it fired and any person(s) standing very close to her. Therefore, since Marissa obviously didn't shower before arriving at the ER close on Trey's heels, she would have been coated in this residue, while Ryan, lying on the floor several feet away with Trey between him and the gun, would have no residue upon him and hence would not be prosecuted unless the local police force/prosecutors' office had it in for him. Which they don't--O.J. Simpson? Maybe, but not Ryan Atwood, why would they care? And then at the end WHOOPS Trey recants and jumps on a bus (do they ALLOW Greyhound buses in the O.C.?) and la de da everything is fine again. I have been criticized in the past for expecting too much realism from shows and movies that are just supposed to be entertainment, but in the same show we're subjected to all sorts of legalistic mumbo jumbo about the case--it's not too much to ask as a TV viewer that a show either be a)clever and entertaining or b) somewhat believable. If you have neither a) or b), you got nothing. Except a very soft sound--what is that--yes, yes, I think it's--the sound of one show sucking.

This show was a well-oiled machine and now it's frozen up, losing altitude, heading for a crash. I give it two more episodes to get back on track--writing? chemistry between the actors? Hell, I'll even take the direction or cinematography (or whatever it's called for TV.) But dammit, this show has been sweet, sweet nectar to me for two seasons and I will not sit idly by as it turns into soap-flavored gruel. Two more episodes, Josh, and if you don't kick it up a notch, then by Little Miss Vixen, I shall turn my face away.