things are looking up

Well, didn't mean to leave you hanging there. I'm happy to report that things have been going well. (A lot of this is because my mom arrived Friday for a few days, and has been taking wonderful care of me and of the baby.) Friday I had my first appointment with a counselor. She wants to continue seeing me, but didn't recommend antidepressants, and was very optimistic about my getting better. (To some, this might seem obvious, but it's nice to hear, especially from a professional.) In fact, she was very positive and complimentary all around, and thinks I do not take enough credit for my achievements (like successful breastfeeding.) She pointed out a lot of instances as I talked to her where I deflect praise or responsibility for things I've done, and I don't even notice I'm doing it! (She is no-BS; she stops me and says "Do you realize that's a distortion?") But now as I look back at my mind pre-baby, I see that I have a very strong tendency to ignore the things I'm accomplishing, and focus on where I'm "not good enough," or *manufacture* distorted thoughts where I'm not good enough. She says this sort of mental pattern feeds right into postpartum depression.

So I will see her again Wednesday, but her concrete suggestions included going on a walk every day, continuing to have friends and family with me as much as possible, having MSH regularly take one nighttime feeding. (These are things others, mostly my midwives, have suggested.) She also recommended getting an easier-to-get-into baby sling so I can wear Cameron and give my arms a break (or use them to type? oh no no no!). And she wants me to join PEPS (Partnership for Early Parenthood Support) right away.

From the appointment, my friend Awesome drove me up to Birth and Beyond where I rented an electric breast pump and got a new baby sling. I haven't tried out the sling yet. I should note again that my mom showed up that afternoon and she has been taking care of baby a lot while I sleep. (My. Mother. Rocks. In case you didn't know.)

But let me tell you, that electric breast pump is awesome. I was using a hand-operated one before. The electric one is way more productive, so much easier (because you don't have to pump away with your hands, using already overburdened arm and shoulder muscles), and it's actually more comfortable than the hand-operated one. If you or someone you know are expecting a baby, I strongly recommend you consider renting a hospital-grade electric pump. The one I got was $60/month to rent, and you have to buy a $40 sterilized you-only kit to go with it. (We got one for free because the lactation consultant hooked me up to the one in her office and gave me the kit she cracked open for me.) For a chunk of 4-5 hours of sleep in the middle of the night (MSH feeding him from a bottle,) easily obtained by pumping for fifteen minutes, I would pay twice that much this month. Easily.

I'd like to give a shout-out to my midwives--they gave us fantastic prenatal care, and postnatal in the hospital, natch. But since these issues reared their ugly heads, they've been awesome--not only scheduling me a prompt behavioral health appointment, but checking in with me every weekday! (And I'm on an HMO.) On Monday I'll see them for my regularly scheduled postpartum appointment, where I look forward to learning when I can start driving again, and when I can start a gentle yoga practice! (probably not until 8 weeks. But possibly later since my C-section incision didn't actually completely close until 2 weeks postpartum.)

Today it has been sunny. In Seattle. All day! I took a long, brisk walk down the hill and around the park, letting the sun beat upon my face. Thank you for your emails and phone calls, my sweet peeps. And now, it's time to take a nap while the wee babe slumbers...