Breakfast, Sleep, Mom & Baby Yoga

Last week I was SO HUNGRY by the time I got around to lunch. A bowl of cold cereal with nuts and raisins was not cutting it. So I've started making myself a "power smoothie" every morning--easy to prepare and quick to drink, but high protein--

cup or so of frozen fruit
three big spoons of whole milk plain yogurt
some orange juice
two med. spoons of almond butter
two tbsp flax-seed oil (for Omega-3)
one banana, cut up

It is so yummy! And after I drink it, I stop being hungry for a while. My lactation consultant godmother suggests mid-morning snacks, as well. Today I went to the store and got some spirulina/veggie powder to make the smoothie even healthier!

The big news around here is that baby slept through the night! He ate at 8:30, and between 9 and 10 sometime, we did a little baby massage--I have a little booklet and some grapeseed oil to use, so I tried it. It was so much fun! He was so engaged and charming, and really seemed to enjoy it. When he quit looking interested, I stopped and got him into his jammies. Then he fell asleep around 11:30. MSH and I went to bed then, too, thinking he would wake up in like a half an hour to eat. But no--I woke myself up at 5:15 and rushed to see if he was dead! He has been eating lots more, so presumably his stomach's getting bigger, but nine hours without eating?! He was sleeping peacefully, didn't really seem like he was even starting to wake up (he usually grunts and starts to wake up and falls back asleep several times.) I was so freaked I woke him up and fed him. And do you know what he did after that? DO YOU!?!? He...went back to sleep. Wow. I went back to sleep, too. I feel so rested, I could pull the wings off a gundark!

Last Tuesday I went to a Mom & Baby yoga class for the first time. The class was wonderful. It's fun to see other babies. (The 11 month old next to us looked simply HUGE next to my baby!) The babies just lie on a blanket or in their car seat carriers, the moms do the yoga. But if a baby fusses, the teacher comes and holds the baby while she teaches! Bonus. One of the gifts of yoga is that you're more aware of your posture, etc., when you're NOT doing yoga. You end up doing some funky "poses" as a mom and especially when nursing, it's good to have that lingering after-effect from yoga class, reminding you to relax the shoulders and realign the spine.

Unfortunately I won't be going to that particular Mom & Baby yoga class again, since my PEPS group started this week, at the same time. (This being Seattle, there are more Mom & Baby yoga classes, of course.) I love PEPS so far. Sharing ideas is so cool and it's nice to have a safe space to just share your experiences. All the babies are pretty much in the same two-month span of age. I can tell it's going to be a lot of fun and I've already gotten some good ideas for outings.(like mom & baby movies!)

And now, it's time for a diaper change, and you bet your sweet ass, some baby massage!

Nutty Pods Revisited

With cold season, an anonymous commenter asks where one can purchase a neti pot. Neti pots can be found at most natural markets in the healthy & beauty section (Whole Foods, Wild Oats, New Seasons) but they are also available in many an online store: http://www.ancient-secrets.com/neti.cf

The internet search that led me to that link also revealed that neti pots have been seen on "Oprah!"

Happy nasal cleansing!

Sleep

Sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleeve of care,
The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast,--"

--Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 2

Yesterday was my six week postpartum appointment with my midwife. "After I had
my son, I scrapped my whole postpartum 'spiel' and just ask about sleep." I laid it
on her. "Here's what we know about sleep," she said, "it's not the amount of sleep--
it's uninterrupted sleep that counts." Last night, my blessed mother-in-law arrived.
We implemented a new sleep schedule for MSH and I (not for baby,) with MSH
taking 8pm - 12am and 5 am - 9 am. In practice I didn't sleep at all those times.
I went to bed at 10pm, after pumping to provide MSH with the breastmilk for the
babe. I couldn't fall asleep right away. It has been weeks since I went "to bed"
before midnight and as tired as I was, I couldn't wind down right away. But I lay
there and relaxed, and MSH turned on the "sleep" relaxation music for me, and I
thought happy thoughts. I thought how lucky my son is to have cousins around his
age. I thought how much fun it will be in the spring to go with him to the park. I
felt loved and supported. And sometime after 11pm, when I heard someone
preparing to feed the babe, I fell asleep. (I did NOT wake up when MSH came to
bed.) I woke up to the baby monitor at 3:15am, even though it was on MSH's side
of the bed, even though my son wasn't yet crying, just making awake noises. I got
out of bed. And I thought, "OK, time to feed my son."

I did not think: "OH GOD THIS IS AWFUL I WANT TO CRAWL BACK IN BED
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" I did not think, over and over again, as I do usually:
"brutalbrutalbrutalbrutalthisissof%*@ingbrutalbrutalbrutal."

I changed his diaper (disposable chlorine-free for better absorption and longer
nighttime sleeping) and fed him for 25 minutes and he went to sleep. I waited
until he was deeply asleep and put him in his crib. I didn't wrap him up very much
because I didn't really want to wake him up. Then knowing the next feed would
probably be MSH, I stayed up and pumped. An hour after he'd gone to sleep initially,
the wee lad woke up. I thought: "Oh, that's odd. I'd better go see what he wants."

I did not think: "OH CHRIST YOU HAVE GOT TO BE F@#%ING KIDDING ME HOW CAN
HE BE AWAKE, HOW?!?!? I WON'T GET ANY SLEEP, WAAAAAH!!"

So I changed his diaper. I think he may have woken up because he was cold, but just
in case he'd fallen asleep the first time when he was still hungry, I fed him again.
He slept until 7:45am. Bless his wee head.

I didn't actually get to sleep until 6 Am, so I was up for three hours in the middle of
the night, but even so, when I woke up at 7:45, I thought: "I could have my mother-in-
law feed him, and sleep some more, but if I get up now and feed the babe, my mother-
in-law can watch him while I go to a yoga class." (The midwife gave me the green
light for exercise yesterday.)

So I *didn't* go back to sleep even though I easily could have. I fed, I pumped, and off
I went to the first hot yoga class I've been to in four or five months.

It was amazing. Very challenging, but I was able to do more of the poses than I thought--
only rested out three. The sun was pouring in the windows, I watched my eyes in the
mirror, I tried to follow my breath, I reveled in every posture. My shoulders visibly
lowered. My muscles burned as lactic acid poured out. I did an extra backbend. It. Was.
Awesome.

Then I came home, and pumped, and watched my son burble and coo and punch and kick.
I fixed a sandwich. I feel like myself.

So to repeat: Four hours of continuous sleep, plus sunshine, plus hot yoga = very good
mental state. I think I'll take a nap.

things are looking up

Well, didn't mean to leave you hanging there. I'm happy to report that things have been going well. (A lot of this is because my mom arrived Friday for a few days, and has been taking wonderful care of me and of the baby.) Friday I had my first appointment with a counselor. She wants to continue seeing me, but didn't recommend antidepressants, and was very optimistic about my getting better. (To some, this might seem obvious, but it's nice to hear, especially from a professional.) In fact, she was very positive and complimentary all around, and thinks I do not take enough credit for my achievements (like successful breastfeeding.) She pointed out a lot of instances as I talked to her where I deflect praise or responsibility for things I've done, and I don't even notice I'm doing it! (She is no-BS; she stops me and says "Do you realize that's a distortion?") But now as I look back at my mind pre-baby, I see that I have a very strong tendency to ignore the things I'm accomplishing, and focus on where I'm "not good enough," or *manufacture* distorted thoughts where I'm not good enough. She says this sort of mental pattern feeds right into postpartum depression.

So I will see her again Wednesday, but her concrete suggestions included going on a walk every day, continuing to have friends and family with me as much as possible, having MSH regularly take one nighttime feeding. (These are things others, mostly my midwives, have suggested.) She also recommended getting an easier-to-get-into baby sling so I can wear Cameron and give my arms a break (or use them to type? oh no no no!). And she wants me to join PEPS (Partnership for Early Parenthood Support) right away.

From the appointment, my friend Awesome drove me up to Birth and Beyond where I rented an electric breast pump and got a new baby sling. I haven't tried out the sling yet. I should note again that my mom showed up that afternoon and she has been taking care of baby a lot while I sleep. (My. Mother. Rocks. In case you didn't know.)

But let me tell you, that electric breast pump is awesome. I was using a hand-operated one before. The electric one is way more productive, so much easier (because you don't have to pump away with your hands, using already overburdened arm and shoulder muscles), and it's actually more comfortable than the hand-operated one. If you or someone you know are expecting a baby, I strongly recommend you consider renting a hospital-grade electric pump. The one I got was $60/month to rent, and you have to buy a $40 sterilized you-only kit to go with it. (We got one for free because the lactation consultant hooked me up to the one in her office and gave me the kit she cracked open for me.) For a chunk of 4-5 hours of sleep in the middle of the night (MSH feeding him from a bottle,) easily obtained by pumping for fifteen minutes, I would pay twice that much this month. Easily.

I'd like to give a shout-out to my midwives--they gave us fantastic prenatal care, and postnatal in the hospital, natch. But since these issues reared their ugly heads, they've been awesome--not only scheduling me a prompt behavioral health appointment, but checking in with me every weekday! (And I'm on an HMO.) On Monday I'll see them for my regularly scheduled postpartum appointment, where I look forward to learning when I can start driving again, and when I can start a gentle yoga practice! (probably not until 8 weeks. But possibly later since my C-section incision didn't actually completely close until 2 weeks postpartum.)

Today it has been sunny. In Seattle. All day! I took a long, brisk walk down the hill and around the park, letting the sun beat upon my face. Thank you for your emails and phone calls, my sweet peeps. And now, it's time to take a nap while the wee babe slumbers...

Speed blogging

Hello, Internet. It's been a while.

Here is an important thing that happened in the past six weeks:
I gave birth to a little boy. Because of Internet Privacy Paranoia, photos and name will not be published here. But here are some "fast facts:"
1. He has ten toes the size of Smurf jelly beans.
2. The top of his head smells like heaven.
3. Thank you for asking, yes, he is The Most Gorgeous Baby On The PlanetTM.

Because he is here, all blog posts shall heretofore be written in ten minutes or less. (If they are written at all, but you assumed that based on the three months radio silence. Internet silence, that is.)

Even considering every week with a newborn is a big week, as they are changing and growing by leaps and bounds, this is a big week. Today the Cat left. Those of you who know the Cat will know what kinds of mixed emotions roiled as she departed, with the kind woman who adopted her to us thirteen months ago. She'll be tested for feline leukemia virus, live with the kind woman for up to a few weeks, and hopefully be adopted to another family. (If she's not snapped up, she'll be back here after a few weeks to await adoption, as the Kind Woman is going to Mexico for a long vacation.) As clear-cut a decision as it was to send the cat away, it is still a really heart-wrenching day when you send away someone who's been living with you for a year and is soft, purrs, and is cuddly and loving at certain times a day. And never intended to do harm and has NO IDEA why am I in this crate, hey that lady looks familiar, hey where am I going, why are my treats in a bag HEY!!!!! But you know, there's the biting. The Pros and Cons list looks something like this:

PRO: Softest Cat On PlanetTM
CON: Could innocently hop into the babe's crib and smother him (I know it's unlikely, but it's not like we're about to take a chance. She likes to curl up on people's necks and practically cover their faces, so you do the math.)

PRO: Cat is very sociable, snuggly, and gives kisses.
CON: Cat attacks lower legs at least every other day--progeny will soon attain size of lower leg.

For the record, she never acted aggressive toward the babe--she licked the top of his head a few times (wouldn't we all like to), once his feet, and at other times acted completely indifferent, and did not react when MSH put his little piston-kicking feet against her kitty head. We were hemming and hawing until a week ago, when we shut the door to the nursery (the babe was NOT in it) and unwittingly shut the Cat inside. When we opened the door, she was in the crib. This is what is called a Visual Aid--it aids learning, and like that *snap!* it was time to seriously get the ball rolling. Or the cat rolling.

All this is made harder by the fact that I may have postpartum depression. We called my midwives yesterday morning and after a phone chat, they scheduled me an appointment with a counselor for tomorrow. The counselor specializes in women's issues and postpartum issues. The bad news is: I feel like shit. Seriously. I don't know how anyone is sleep-deprived for this long and isn't depressed. (It's a form of torture, after all.) The good news is: I have excellent support and medical care, and I'm addressing it promptly.

This doesn't mean I don't love my son, or that I regret that he's here. I love being this baby's mommy, and the days since he's been born have been the most meaningful and joyful of my life. I once caught myself thinking, if I die tomorrow, these weeks are what I would want to remember in the next life. This love. But being the mother of a newborn is Incredibly Challenging, and you can usually count the hours of sleep in a 24-hour period on one hand, and you forget to eat and pee and replace your maxipad and finish your sentence. And because I'm healing from a Cesarean, I can't exercise yet beyond short, easy walks (read: no yoga.) And I am brittle and sometimes have irrational thoughts and cry four times a day and I'm anxious and Overwhelmed. I feel like shit and I need help.

Even if I don't have PPD, our family needs additional support, and friends and family are stepping up to the plate gangbuster-style. That's really good news. I am being very open about this because mental illness is illness, and I wouldn't hush up about pneumonia. Our society stigmatizes mental illness and that makes it hard to get treatment, so if there's even a remote chance that by blabbing my mouth (and let's face it, I'm good at that) I might encourage someone else to seek help who might otherwise suffer silently, I gotta be loud about this.

This wouldn't be complete without saying: if you feel comfortable doing so, I need your help, too. This is a little exercise for me because: I have a hard time asking for and receiving help. (Like Sandra Bullock's character in "28 Days" who is required to wear a sign around her neck in rehab that says "Don't believe me if I say I don't need help.") At first I only called the friends who after offering help early on looked me in the eye and repeated "Seriously. Call. Me. If. You. Need. Anything." So! Help can mean a lot of things. I would love a supportive email. I've received a few already and I like to reread them. They make me feel strong.

Dammit, that was twenty minutes.